Bear Better Fruit

by Megan Balani

See the change in me, as you will be able to see the change in yourself.

Journal entry from November 2020:

I used to ask myself what I loved about myself.

I used to grab onto the artificial and surface level reasons,

But all I tore at were thin wilted sheets of paper -

Paper that was so thin that you could see the thin fibrous patches.

I used to ask why there is anything to love about me

When my mind was dehydrated

By the salt that I had convinced myself to be water.

My mind was scraped and scarred from the gashing tusks of negativity, and filled with the bitter rubbing alcohol of expectation.

I needed to stop feeling this way

But hands dragged me back to a dusty room

Isolated me from others

And played a recorded loop of all I was

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Journal entry from November 2021:

The tape recorder is slowly changing in my mind

Replaying one more positive thing

Than the week before.

Discipline is what self concept boils down to.

You took up the discipline to train the hate.

Now it is your onus to take up the discipline to see the truth.

With discipline comes freedom,

And with discipline comes responsibility,

Which creates more freedom.

I am slowly creating the discipline

Of valuing myself

Which gives me more freedom in my mind

To value myself more

As I value myself,

I see the responsibility to do that for myself

So others who believe they can’t

Realize it is their responsibility too

It is your responsibility to script your path

To let it break

To gather yourself

And to look to the light

It is your responsibility to calm the mind

Knowing everything will be alright

Consoled and cuddled in the definite knowing

That your presence is necessary

It is your responsibility

To understand that your light is not to be dimmed

For those who cannot find any of that for themselves

Are supposed to look at you

And see the light in themselves

It is your duty to chase the vision of a better world.

It is your duty to grow into your roots, to take in the light,

And to branch and stretch

In order to bear better fruits for those who will come after us.