by Megan Balani
See the change in me, as you will be able to see the change in yourself.
Journal entry from November 2020:
I used to ask myself what I loved about myself.
I used to grab onto the artificial and surface level reasons,
But all I tore at were thin wilted sheets of paper -
Paper that was so thin that you could see the thin fibrous patches.
I used to ask why there is anything to love about me
When my mind was dehydrated
By the salt that I had convinced myself to be water.
My mind was scraped and scarred from the gashing tusks of negativity, and filled with the bitter rubbing alcohol of expectation.
I needed to stop feeling this way
But hands dragged me back to a dusty room
Isolated me from others
And played a recorded loop of all I was
Journal entry from November 2021:
The tape recorder is slowly changing in my mind
Replaying one more positive thing
Than the week before.
Discipline is what self concept boils down to.
You took up the discipline to train the hate.
Now it is your onus to take up the discipline to see the truth.
With discipline comes freedom,
And with discipline comes responsibility,
Which creates more freedom.
I am slowly creating the discipline
Of valuing myself
Which gives me more freedom in my mind
To value myself more
As I value myself,
I see the responsibility to do that for myself
So others who believe they can’t
Realize it is their responsibility too
It is your responsibility to script your path
To let it break
To gather yourself
And to look to the light
It is your responsibility to calm the mind
Knowing everything will be alright
Consoled and cuddled in the definite knowing
That your presence is necessary
It is your responsibility
To understand that your light is not to be dimmed
For those who cannot find any of that for themselves
Are supposed to look at you
And see the light in themselves
It is your duty to chase the vision of a better world.
It is your duty to grow into your roots, to take in the light,
And to branch and stretch
In order to bear better fruits for those who will come after us.