Big Boobs, Some Problems

Written by Mya Turner

Mya Turner is a sophomore studying Computer Engineering who only gets the chance to explore this hobby outside of her required curriculum. She is also a Student Manager at the Center for Antiracist Research and on the executive board for Boston University’s chapter of the National Society of Black Engineers. Besides writing, Mya also enjoys spending time with her friends and listening to the latest music.

I have big boobs. God blessed me with them from a young age. I think I first noticed I was top heavy when I was 9. I remember being in gymnastics class nervous to do a cartwheel, worried that I would topple over due to the augmented weight on my chest. I used to wear at least 10 training bras everyday, one top of another, trying to minimize and support my bust—but my boobs were always there.

Throughout middle school, my chest got even bigger, and ill-fitted bras made my chest feel even more massive and present. I wanted to hide. I felt so uncomfortable. The combination of improperly placed weight and my lack of self-confidence caused me to develop a slouch. I wore large-sized, dark clothing, and crossed my arms around myself whenever I got the chance. My body was just so different from the other girls, who were petite and not-yet-matured. I wondered why I couldn’t look like them. They were free to be themselves, to be confident, and bubbly; whereas I consciously concealed every part of me. My insecurity about my boobs led me to question and scrutinize my whole being—why my skin was so dark, why my hair was so kinky, why I was so awkward.

"My insecurity about my boobs led me to question and scrutinize my whole being—why my skin was so dark, why my hair was so kinky, why I was so awkward."

I hated not being self-confident. I always admired those with large personalities, but I was so envious because I knew I could draw a crowd. I knew I could breathe life into a room just like they could but this crushing wall of self-doubt kept me shy.

When I finally found a bra that fit me, I ditched the slouch but my timidness remained. In high school, I mostly kept to myself. See, I often judged my peers as harshly as I critiqued myself. Someone would miss a step and immediately I thought they were too weird for me to interact with. In retrospect, this was a defense mechanism. I was afraid to put myself out there, afraid people would judge me and reject me of companionship, so I didn’t try, and found excuses to dislike someone before they could hurt me. Few people broke past the barrier of entry I set around myself, and those I allowed in, I became their most loyal friend. I was too afraid to find someone else.

My inability to make new friends when my current ones weren’t necessarily the best friends pushed me to dark places. I felt like I was nothing and my present was a series I was viewing. I was an outsider in my own world.

I grew tired of watching life pass me by. Seeing others develop connections and live the lives I wanted. I decided to be more confident and overcome my shyness. It became my primary goal to fill myself with love and surround myself in its warm embraces.

Sometimes I like to joke that I created my personality from those around me. I spent more than a decade being the wallflower in the shadow of an active room, and I used my perpetual predicament to my advantage. There in my metaphorical corner, I observed and listened, picked up on social cues and how they generated the desired emotion in another. For example I learned what was funny versus odd; what was bold versus arrogant; what was caring versus overbearing. I mentally took notes of how to be this new friendly and outgoing version of me.

Soon, I laughed and connected with others unlike before. I made new friendships, and somehow became Co-President my senior year of high school. I curated outfits and held my chest high and proud. I even posted pictures regularly on Instagram, and I truly believed I looked amazing. I began to love myself. Little by little I grew more into a consequential woman.

I am a people watcher turned people person. My self-confidence journey is an ongoing story, but for a long time I never really could fathom I would be the bold individual I am today. It’s a miracle how far I have come. This awkward little girl with big boobs still lives inside me, but she is thriving.